Several Short Stories Starring Sloth
by KalliopeStarmist
Summary: The Military's resident snobby secretary tackles workaholism, parenting, Elrics, and all of reincarnation's other little quirks.
1. Pickup Lines

Concerning SSSSS :

Well, I wrote this intending to throw it in at the end of another little story about Sloth (she's one of my favorites, what can I say?), but I started writing a bunch of little ones about her, and since this is the first one I have finished, I decided to go ahead and post. I'll finish the others soon and post them as necessary.

(And yes, I was extremely broken up about her fate. Since that was the episode I wanted to see more than anything, and the ONLY one I've missed recently. I had to hear about it from more fortunate friends... grr. Not that I'm bitter.)

Very quick note: For reasons I can't even fully explain, in all my stories, Envy has started calling Sloth his little sister. I don't know why. It just happened.

Story One: Pick-Up Lines.

Ah, yes, another typical lunchtime at Bruno's, an out-of-the-way little tavern-type establishment that served "food" of some type.

Sloth surveyed the menu rather dubiously. "You know, Envy, when you said you were taking me out to lunch," she sighed, "I almost hoped we would splurge a bit."

Envy's only response was to laugh and ruffle her hair affectionately. "Oh, sis, cut me some slack. Not everybody has a nice, comfy job like you. So, why don't you grab a table, and I'll go order us something, ok?"

Well, it still beat mooching food off her coworkers, or, even worse, eating the military cafeteria food (shudder), Sloth reflected, pulling up a chair, and inadvertently catching a certain patron's attention.

"Mind if I join you?" some sleazeball asked, helping himself to a seat.

"It's a free dictatorship," Sloth replied coldly, not looking at him. Instead, she pulled out a book and started reading.

"Quiet little table you have here," the man observed.

"It _was_ quiet," snarled Sloth under her breath. The would-be-pick-up man failed miserably at taking the hint.

"I'd offer to buy you a drink, but I don't think it's legal to provide teenagers with alcohol."

Meant to be a complement, this actually hit a sore spot with Sloth (last time she tried to buy alcohol, they had carded her and found out she was only four), and she had no choice but to abandon her novel for the time being to glare at her annoyer, who turned out to be a tall blond guy, complete with long ponytail, beard, glasses, and a trench coat.

There was a long, awkward silence, broken when Sloth noticed that he had a hand on her leg, and, in disgust, propelled her chair away from the table fast enough to break the sound barrier. "Excuse me, I need an aspirin."

Envy was standing in line (which was surprisingly long, given the quality of Bruno's food), minding his own business, when BAM! Sloth latched onto his arm like a pitbull on a mailman.

"Envy! Some creep was hitting on me!"

"Where is he?"demanded Envy, spinning around angrily, Sloth still attached to his arm, "I'll tear him limb from limb!"

"He's... over there," whimpered Sloth, pointing timidly over to the table from her hiding spot behind her self-declared "older brother".

"Nobody messes with my Slo-," Envy's voice died abruptly, and he stared back at his "sister", then back at the man, then back at Sloth again, "...th."

"Well? Aren't you going to beat him up, like you do with all the other pervs who dare to hit on me?"

"Ah... ahahaha... change in plans, Slothy," Envy giggled nervously, pulling her out a back exit and down the street.

"But.. Envy! He was..."

"I know, I know! I'm sacrificing your dignity, but gaining a life of complete mobility."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I'll tell you on the way home."

"But... I need to get back to work..."

"No, you need to come back home where I can keep on eye on you and make sure you're safe."

"Fine." Fed-up, Sloth yanked herself away from her cohort and started back towards Bruno's. "If you won't tell me what's so extraordinary about that old pervert, I'm just going to go back there and beat the truth out of him myself."

"Alright, alright! I'll tell you!" Envy jumped in front of her, sounding panicked. "But you have to promise not to faint or anything."

"Just because I let you do the whole 'protective older brother' thing doesn't mean I'm a infant. I'm as strong as any of us."

"...You're not going to like this."

"Envy..."

"... Sis," Not entirely convinced that she wasn't going to faint, Envy placed his hands firmly on her shoulders, looked into her eyes, took a deep breath, and lost his nerve. "That was...hummumble."

"What?"

Deep breath, try again, "Hombumble."

Once again, Sloth broke away and directed her footsteps to Bruno's. "If you're too big of a wimp even to tell me..."

"HOENHEIM!"

Sloth stopped. And slowly turned around. "You mean...as in...?"

"Yes."

"...Envy, I need to throw up."

"I'd understand."

"Oh gross! He was touching my leg! EW! I need to take a shower! Ew! Envy!"

Envy bit back a wry grin. "Tell me, how did you get through your former life?"

"I dunno... drugs? Maybe I... OH GROSS! We used to...Oh, God! I'm gonna..." Turning a decidedly unhealthy shade of green, Sloth clamped a hand over her mouth and ran down the street to the nearest trash can.

"... Sis? Hey, are you all right?"

Inhaling slowly, Sloth stood up straight. "I'm fine." she said unsteadily. "I'm going back to work."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, thank you. I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

Envy tried to put the entire incident out of his mind, but instead he kept coming up with comebacks, karate maneuvers, and elaborate revenge scenarios that he could have used back at the bar, rather than diving out the back door like a pansy. That bastard had some nerve to show up here like this and try and hit on his Sloth!

"I can't find my little brother, I wonder where he is. Is he on the next block down? Guess I'll go find out..." Ed hummed a little song he was making up on the spot, trying desperately not to panic. He didn't realize that he was about a foot from knocking into Envy...

"Excuse me, do you have the time?"

Ed snapped towards the familiar voice, hatred glinting in his narrowed eyes.

"Oh, yes, ten after."

"Thank you."

Envy snapped towards the familiar voice, hatred glinting in his narrowed eyes.

"Hoenheim," Ed and Envy (who really have much more in common than they'd care to admit) growled, hatred dripping from their voices.

"**_I'm gonna kill him!_**" screamed Ed, jumping forward.

"**_Not if I get there first!_**" hollered Envy, leaping after him.

Actually, neither got to him at all. Before either could reach the object of their mutual hostility, someone (or something) else streaked by, passing them in milliseconds and showering both with a fine mist of water.

Envy stopped then, a twisted smile spreading over his features. He grabbed Ed by the braid as the alchemist ran past, forcing him to a somewhat painful halt.

"OW! Hey, what are you doing, you psycho?"

"He skipped out on your mom, right?"

"Yes," Ed growled, "Right after Al was born. **_Now lemme go, I'm gonna pound his ass into next year!"_**

But Envy's grip on his braid stayed in place. "Hold on a second. Someone beat us to him, she gets first dibs."

"**_Oh, no she doesn't!"_**

"Oh, yes. She does. Here, have some popcorn and enjoy the show."

This was a difficult decision for Ed. His two main desires (pulverizing his father and free popcorn) were clashing in an epic struggle. He hovered between the two for an instant, finally reaching for a handful of the delicious snack Envy had apparently pulled out of Hammerspace. "So, Envy... what's going on?"

Envy ignored him, cheering on, "Woo! GO SLO—,"and then his voice froze.

Ed's eyes grew wide as he stared over to where his father was standing. "Wha... uh... arf?" he fumbled.

"Ehm," Envy squeaked.

It wasn't that Hoenheim had caught her (although that was quite a feat at the speed she had been going). It wasn't even that he was embracing someone who was out for his blood. (But what do you expect from the womanizing bastard, Ed and Envy thought bitterly to themselves). It was more that _she _wasn't struggling in the least that threw them off. But not for long.

"**_Hey! Get your filthy hands off her!"_** Envy bellowed, lunging forward and hitting the ground with a heavy thud as Ed grabbed onto his legs and tackled him.

"You're not going anywhere until I know what's going on!"

"**Lemme go, shrimpy! I wanna see how he molests women from a _body cast_!**"

Back on the battlefront, Sloth sighed and closed her eyes. A terrifyingly powerful emotion was awaking deep inside her, and she wanted a moment to collect herself again.

Behind her, Ed cried out, "Tell me who that woman is!" and the moment was over. With lighting reflexes, she stomped her "sensible" work heel into the man's foot, snapped her head up into his nose, and pushed him away from her. He stumbled, and she pounced.

A chorus of "WOOT!", "This is more like it!", "Hey, chibi, pass the popcorn," and "You go, Mrs. Envy's Angry Violent Female Friend!" arose from the two spectators.

The cheers turned eventually to stupefied silence. At several points, Envy felt it was necessary to shield little Ed's eyes from the carnage.

A small but appreciative audience had gathered by the time Sloth picked herself up, dusted herself off, spit contemptuously at her defeated enemy, and walked calmly over to where Ed and Envy where still standing.

"Hello, boys."

Ed stared at her for a minute, then timidly stepped forward and hugged her. "I don't know who you are, but... you get a hug."

"Aw." Returning the embrace somewhat awkwardly, Sloth smiled at Envy, her expression just screaming 'Isn't he a doll?' Envy rolled his eyes.

Ed let go, and Sloth sniffed at her clothes, suddenly disgusted. "Oh God. I smell... like Ax Effect!"

Ed gasped. Envy looked puzzled. "What's Ax Effect?"

"Only the most nauseating fragrance ever designed by mankind! One dab can be smelled from over half a mile away, and once a bottle exploded inside a gym locker room and killed three students." Sloth wailed. "The scumbag must have been wearing some!"

Envy laughed. "It's just cologne... Don't make such a big deal out of it."

In response, Sloth grabbed a handful of his miniskirt and tried to rub the foul scent off her own outfit. Envy sprang away from her. "Hey!"

"It's just cologne. Don't make such a big deal out of it."

"I don't want Elric cooties!"

Sloth reached for Ed's coat, but the boy was a step ahead of her on that one. "Keep it away from me! That stuff never comes off!"

This thought had occurred to Sloth, too, and she was not happy with the idea of spending the rest of her days wearing eau-de-Hoenheim. "Come on, Envy. I need an emergency medical shower."

"Ok, but be careful not to get sucked down the drain again," the other Sin cautioned, following her off.

"It was nice to meet you, Ms. Envy's Angry Friend!" Ed called after them.

"I'm sure I'll be seeing you around, Edward," Sloth called back, and she and her oddly-shaped friend walked off into the sunset, arguing over the sound of the ambulance siren, which had been summoned by some kind soul to escort Hoenheim (remember him?) to the hospital.

"Why didn't you use your awesome putty powers?"

"He's not good enough for my sweet water skills."

"And what was with that hug?"

"He was groping me!"

"Looked like you were enjoying it, if you ask me,"

"Do you want me to kill you?"

"Why don't you have your _boyfriend _come beat me up?"

"Hey, brother?" Ed spun around, to find Al.

"AL! You're alive!"

"I heard sirens... and I was afraid you did something really stupid. So I came to find you. Who are those people?"

"Oh, just some temporary allies. I'll tell you all about it sometime. But right now I don't quite understand it myself."


	2. Puppy

Story Two: Puppy

Azumanga Daioh just got a little more sinful.

-------------------------------------------------------

In yet another pathetic attempt to avoid being driven insane by the macho behavior of the overwhelmingly male majority of their group, Sloth and Lust were chatting over coffee in a room that they had hijacked for the occasion.

"So... what are you going to do once you have a soul, anyway?" Sloth asked curiously.

Lust shrugged and took another sip of espresso. "Oh, I don't know. Haven't given it much thought, really... You?"

"...I'd... well," Sloth smiled shyly into her coffee and lowered her voice, just as Envy walked in. Now, they had told the guys to keep their distance, but since Envy didn't really count as a guy, they ignored him. "I'd actually like to have a kid... maybe adopt or something..." Envy and Lust choked on some laughter, but kept quiet. "But... our house isn't exactly a healthy environment."

"Aw," Lust sympathized, "well, look on the bright side. Any little kid _you_ adopted would be deadly afraid of you!" Sloth absolutely _wilted_, and Envy jumped around in the background trying (unsuccessfully) to get Lust to shut up. "Think positive! Positive!" the insensitive woman encouraged peppily.

"I'm sure that's not true, sis!" Envy cried but Sloth didn't seem to hear. She was stirring her coffee listlessly.

"But, seriously, Sloth," Lust obliviously continued. "Children really don't like you. Remember Take Your Daughter To Work Day?"

"I know," the disillusioned almost-mother sighed.

"No! Think positive, Sloth! Positive!" Envy encouraged frantically.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The incident was typical of the Sins' household, and quickly left the memories of everyone involved. Sloth certainly didn't remember it at all when she got a phone call at work.

"Hey, sis." Envy. Of course. "You know that little island out near Dublin?"

"I've never even _heard_ of Dublin."

"Oh... Well, that puts a bit of a damper on my plans... do you have a really good map?"

---------------------------------------------------------

"It's a surprise!... No, it won't take long... love you too, sis...bye bye," Envy hung up and pocketed his cellphone and turned back to Greed. "What?"

"Since when do you have a little sister?"

"Well, she's like my niece or something, but that makes me feel old," Envy grinned.

"...I don't think I've seen you this fond of one of us since... well, since Sloth version 1.0"

The grin died and was replaced by a more somber expression. "When we have a Sloth, I know all of us are out there, somewhere. It's only a matter of finding them... and we haven't assembled for such a long time...

Besides, this one is the manifestation of the imperfection and failure of my most despised nemeses... and, anyway, she's such a doll, Greed, you're going to love her."

Greed prepared to make a devastatingly sarcastic remark, but was thwarted by Sloth, who had finally water spouted her way out there. She nodded briefly but politely at Greed, and then glared at Envy. "All right, what's so all-out important that you need to show me?"

The walking palm tree smiled endearingly and pointed over the edge of the cliff they had gathered on. "I wanted you to meet Wrath. Look, he's down there."

Sloth tapped her foot impatiently. "En, this could have waited til later. You didn't need to..." She glanced over the cliff edge. And stopped lecturing. "Him?"

Envy's grin broadened. "Yep."

"...really?"

"Really really."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Envy and Greed were not happy campers. The cause of this was simple: Wrath was not a happy camper. And the two older Sins were just not cut out for babysitting.

"Envy, remind me..." Greed asked, trying to offer the crying child some candy, "was the last Wrath this whiny?"

"Well, his voice wasn't so irritating, I know that. Can't you shut him up?"

"I'm trying, palm-tree!"

"Not very hard."

"You want to take a shot at it? After all, you're the one with the father..."

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?"

Scared by the yelling, Wrath whimpered and broke into a fresh round of sobs. Growling, Envy pushed Greed out of the way and kicked the distraught boy in the head. "What are you whining about, brat?"

Wrath clamped his mouth shut and clung to Greed for safety.

"Well? Answer me!"

Wrath burst into tears again.

"Oh! Poor child. Is he hurt?"

Envy rolled his eyes at Sloth, who had just entered stage right. "He's a homunculus, sis. Of course he's not hurt... the only thing that's hurt around here is my brain... I'm going to go down a couple of aspirin. Enjoy your new kid."

Sloth had every intention of doing just that. Looking the very picture of maternal concern, she knelt next to the child. "What's wrong, sweetie?" Wrath caught his breath, his eyes widening in fright as he stared at her. Sloth wilted a little, wondering if Lust was right, and if she was doomed to intimidate little children the rest of her life. "It's ok. You don't need to be scared. I'll protect you."

The little boy's chin wavered, and he released Greed's knee to jump into Sloth's arms, sobbing, "Mommies are supposed to love their babies... but she lied to me. She said she loved me, and she lied. She didn't, she didn't, she didn't,"

Sloth had never looked so... radiant. She folded her arms around her new child, rocking him back and forth as he sobbed. If she had had any color, if she had been human, she would have been blushing crimson. Even without the blush, even though she only had her customary little half-smile, it was still obvious that she was so overcome with emotion she couldn't speak.

Lust and Gluttony watched, unnoticed, by the door. "She looks so... so..." fumbled Lust, "kinda glowy..."

Envy snuck up behind them, his headache cured. "Glowy? You've got quite a way with words there, Ishbala."

Lust ignored the slur only because she was still searching for the word. "Look at her, Envy. She looks like a little girl who just got a puppy for Christmas."

Envy considered this. "You're right. She looks... she's... she's... I don't know what she is. She's just..."

"She's happy," Gluttony mumbled. Lust and Envy turned to stare at him in shock.

"Happy..." sighed Lust, gazing back over at Sloth. "Yes. That's what it is."

Greed smiled contentedly. "Well, my duty is done... Up, Up, and AWAY!" he shouted, leaping out the closest available exit.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Very early the next morning, in fact, so early his workaholic secretary hadn't even shown up yet, Fuhrer Bradley got a telephone call.

"Coffee. Send coffee," he begged the caller as a greeting.

"Buy your own. You can afford it, you skinflint," Lust countered, already bored with the conversation.

"Oh. It's _you_. Since when does our resident human-wannabe call people at this hour? Aren't you usually recovering from the night before?"

There was a long pause on Lust's end of the the line, accented by the sound of nails clicking irately against a table. "You know the sad part, Bradley?" she finally growled, "You just completely missed the irony of _you _calling someone a human-wannabe."

"... did you call for a reason? I'm very busy, you know."

"Somehow I doubt that. Anyway, I was going to be nice and give you a heads up about your secretary's new puppy. She's bringing it in with her today."

"Puppy? She got a puppy?"

"Early Christmas present from her older 'brother'."

"_I_ never got a puppy."

"You've got every Military Dog in the country." Lust smiled at the sound of molars being ground on the other line. "I'll let you go and find some coffee now, _sir_. Buh-bye."

Bradley stared blankly at the phone for a long time after that, listening the woman say, "You have delayed too long in dialing. Please hang up and try again." over and over, partly because he needed coffee to function, partly because he was trying to figure out what the irony was in calling Lust a human wannabe.

"Did you forget your phone number again, sir?" Sloth asked. Her boss blinked at her and hung up the phone. "Guess what?"

Bradley blinked at her again.

Beaming, Sloth stepped aside to reveal Wrath, who was looking a good deal happier than he had the night before... but whether this was an improvement was hard to say.

Bradley blinked at him. Then at the phone. "...That's not a puppy."

Sloth didn't ask. "This is Wrath... Wrath, sweetie, this is Brad."

With minimum delay, Bradley's caffeine-deprived brain began to function. "Oh, so _this_ the...?" Sloth nodded. "Ok...but I still don't see where she got the puppy..." Perhaps it occurred to him that, with only Glut and En around, it was up to him to be a positive male role model for this poor unwanted child, because he knelt down in front of him. "hey, there, buddy,"

Wrath whimpered and clung to his mommy. "I think he's afraid of you, sir," she noted.

"Nonsense!" Bradley smiled. He wasn't bad with kids. After all, he had single-handedly stopped the now-infamous Take-Your-Daughter-To-Work day incident before anyone died. "There's nothing to be afraid of, Wrath."

Wrath bit off his nose.

"OW!"

"You shouldn't have scared him like that!" Sloth admonished as the king danced around the room in pain, hands clapped over his face.

"My node! My node! See ib I evah trust a kib agaim!"

"You were threatening him!" Sloth yelled.

"Oh, tabe his side! Traidor! I'm gebbing some cobee!"

Her superior stormed out of the room, and Sloth immediately swept Wrath into her arms. "Are you alright, sweetie?"

Wrath nodded with a cute little squeak. Sloth's smile returned. "Aw. Wrath." Wrath squeaked again. "Wrath!" Squeak. Sloth tossed him up in the air and caught him again. "you're so cute!"

Wrath hugged her. "Mommy! Do you want to play a game?"

After overturning several lamps and couches, breaking a vase, and pulling the books off a couple of shelves, Sloth caught him and was tickling him mercilessly, when Bradley returned, carrying a cup of coffee, and sporting a (completely unnecessary) band-aid on his nose.

Before the door could finish closing, she had snapped back into emotionless-secretary mode, and Wrath was once again hiding timidly behind her skirt.

"...I would be angry," Bradley remarked after a second, "But you two are just way too cute, so forget it."

Sloth only smiled and ruffled Wrath's hair affectionately.

And Brad and Wrath did start getting along:

Wrath was curled up in a corner, his nose buried deep in a manga, when Bradley walked up to him. "Hey, Wrath. What are you reading?"

Instead of running away screaming for his mommy, the boy actually smiled. "THE manga," he answered, holding up the book so Brad could see the picture of Ed on the cover. "You know, in this version, _I'm_ Pride, and you're Wrath."

Pride glanced around nervously to make sure nobody had heard him, and pulled out his wallet. "Here's ten bucks, kid, keep it under your hat."


	3. Birthday

You Say It's Your Birthday

-------------------------

The sun was up. The sky was blue. The day was young, and only one person in the entire world seemed to believe that the universe was celebrating, rather than mocking her.

"Guess what?" this cheerful person hissed in the ear of the child-shaped lump she was attempting to wake. "It's my birthday!"

The lump groaned as a wave of despair washed over him, and pulled a pillow over his head. "Five more minutes, mommy."

"But, Wrath, you have to wake up. Today's my birthday."

Removing the pillow, Wrath opened up one hopeful eye. "Does that mean you're going to take the day off and stay home?" he asked Sloth, who had donned a shiny green party hat complete with silver tassel for the occasion.

"No way! Those jerks at the office will be singing Happy Birthday if they know what's good for them."

Wrath pulled the pillow back over his head. "Fine. Have a nice day at work."

"If you wake up, I'll make pancakes."

"I'm awake! I'm awake!" the boy assured her quickly, jumping out of bed before you could you could say Whoop Di do.

---------------------

"Envy! Wake up. It's my birthday."

"You don't have a birthday, Sloth."

"You know what I mean. Wake up."

"You're just having a nightmare. Go back to sleep."

"I am not having a nightmare. Today's my birthday."

Envy opened his eyes and decided _he _was having a nightmare. "Nice hat," he mumbled, rolling over and falling asleep.

--------------------

"Lust, it's my birthday."

"I couldn't be more sorry," empathized the eyes and hair sticking out above the comforter on Lust's bed.

"But... today's my birthday," Sloth repeated, perplexed by this response.

"Yes, go on and celebrate," snarled Lust, gaining more and more gusto as she talked, to the point where she raised a fist up passionately from under her blanket. "Celebrate the beginning of your pitiful existence. The day you were doomed to wander the earth forever, an abomination, an mockery of the life you were created to replace, an constant reminder of mankind's struggle and failure to understand the evanescence of their tiny lives! Revel in your incompleteness! Bask in the curse inflicted upon you and your creator on this day!"

Sloth slipped out of the room, unnoticed. Lust was best left alone early in the morning.

------------------------

"Hey, Glut, guess what today is?"

No response from Gluttony. Sloth opened his bedroom door.

Empty.

"Fine. More pancakes for me."

------------------------

And so, Sloth ate her birthday breakfast with Wrath, which wasn't so bad, when you consider the mood the others woke up in. But, she had been expecting that. She hadn't been "born" on a very opportune day.

---------------------------

Angst Day was an universal holiday, celebrated October 3rd whether you liked it or not. The Military observed this day of general mourning meticulously, and Sloth was the only one smiling.

"Put that frown away, Colonel," she chirped cheerfully at Roy Mustang, who was feeling suicidal and looked it. "Tomorrow will be a better day."

"Yeah, right. How will the mere rising of the sun change the fact that my best friend is dead, I'm powerless to avenge his murder, the woman I'm in love with has a boyfriend, and back in the distant past I caused the deaths of two innocent doctors who happened to be Winry's parents?"

Sloth blinked. "Winry has parents?"

"Not anymore!"

"Ah, well, it's all in the past," she assured him comfortingly, "except Riza,"

"WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT RIZA?"

"And she'll come to her senses and you'll live happily ever after together, and today's my birthday!"

Now it was Roy's turn to blink. "Is that what's with the hat?"

"Yup!" Sloth smiled cheerily at Roy's blank gaze. "... aren't you going to wish me happy birthday?"

"No."

-----------------------------

Needless to say, her good mood was waning when she reached her office. "Do you know what day it is today?" she asked Fuhrer Bradley without preamble.

"Wednesday."

"Besides that."

"October third."

"Besides that."

"Angst Day."

"Besides that."

"Look, I actually knew the day of the week, the date, and the holiday off the top of my head. That's a huge accomplishment for me."

"October third doesn't ring any other bells for you? No significance to anybody you know, or anything like that?"

"No, not really." Noticing that his secretary was looking somewhat upset, Bradley offered her a box of tissues. "Want a Kleenex? I stock up for Angst Day."

Sloth plucked a Kleenex out of the box, calmly and deliberately ripped it into tiny pieces and deposited them in the wastepaper basket. "No, thank you. I am not going to let some poorly-chosen holiday ruin today for me. I am going to defy nature and remain happy and grateful to be alive."

"...Or whatever," Bradley tacked on, reaching for a Kleenex. "And stop looking at me like that. You'll make me start crying again."

With a good deal of effort (let's not forget she's violating a law of nature here), Sloth forced a bright, happy smile and walked back out the door. There was someone she needed to have a friendly little chat with.

----------------------------

They weren't hard to find. Even on a regular day, the angst hung so thick around the Elric brothers that you could smell it, and on Angst Day, a visible miasma of bleakness surrounded them, sucking the life and happiness out of the air.

"I'd cut myself, but I'm too depressed," Ed declared, staring blankly out the window of his bedroom.

"I'd cut myself for you, Brother, but I'm made of metal," Al sighed.

"Oh, bring that up again," snapped Ed. "Like I don't feel guilty about it! ... wait, Al, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get angry,"

Just listening at the keyhole, Sloth started to feel depressed, but she reached inside for that store of strength and fortitude that kept her going through the worst of days, and burst into the room.

"All right, boys, pity party is over!" she announced. They ignored her, except for Al tugging at Ed's sleeve.

"Brother, doesn't she remind you of mother?"

"It's Angst Day, Al, everybody reminds you of mom. Lt. Ross reminded you of mom. Armstrong reminded you of mom."

"No, really, she,"

Al was cut off by Sloth picking up his brother by his lapels and slamming him against a wall. "Listen up, FullMetal. You are going to _smile_ and be happy and put an end to this travesty of a holiday, right now. You've ruined enough for me without taking my birthday, too."

"Birthday? You were born on Angst Day?" Ed gasped. "That sucks."

"It wasn't Angst Day when I was born. I was here first, and I demand that you smile!"

"Look, lady, I would if I could, but I can't. You think I like angsting like this?"

"Frankly, yes. Now, think of something happy." Ed glanced over at Al, and Sloth tightened the grip on his collar. "Not bittersweet memory associated with happier times, something pure cocaine HAPPY! Rubber duckies!"

Ed started to smile, but almost immediately stopped. "Hughes had a pair of ducky pajamas!"

"Pretty flowers?" suggested Sloth.

"Mom used to like flowers,"

"Fluffy puppies?"

"Nina Tucker and Alexander!"

"Barney!.?"

"I'm afraid of Barney!"

"...Glitter?"

"Winry wears glitter sometimes,"

"Winry is good," Sloth encouraged. " Think Winry."

"And the Military killed her parents and I'm betraying her just by being here!"

"Good God, boy. Doesn't _anything_ good ever happen to you?"

"Not really."

"I like duckies and puppies and flowers and glitter," volunteered Al. "And candy and teacups and roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string, cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudel, doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles, wild geese that fly with the wind on their wings, girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, silver white winters that melt into springs,"

The dark waves that filled the room began to lift and lighten. Sloth smiled as she dropped Ed with a THUD. "You always were my favorite," she winked at Al, hugging the lovable suit of armor to the best of her ability.

--------------------------

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful, sans the occasional suicide of an unimportant soldier. It was after calling the janitor to clean up the most recent one that Sloth returned to her office to find her boss on the phone.

"YOU WHAT? What were you thinking? Of course he would do that, you can't trust him with stuff like this. Oh, shut up about your damn father, that doesn't have anything to do with,"

"Is that Envy?" guessed Sloth.

Suddenly alerted to her presence, Bradley muttered, "Look,Igottago," very quickly into the phone and slammed the receiver down. "Hey, didn't see you there."

"_Mustang, get your ass down here!"_ came Riza Hawkeye's voice from outside the window, where she and a couple of other concerned people were talking Roy down from the roof.

"_No! I can't live like this! I don't deserve life!"_

"_Well, if you're gonna jump, hurry up! I've got a date!"_

"_I'd watch it if I were you, Hawkeye! I've got a gun and a good view of the entire grounds from up here!"_

Sloth decided to ignore them. "Who was that on the phone?"

"_Stop fooling around, you melodramatic pansy!"_

Bradley shrugged. "You know, I can't remember... but then, my memory isn't that good,"

"You can say that again," Sloth muttered over the sound of gunshots.

"What's that? Didn't hear you."

"I said it doesn't matter," she smiled sarcastically, "as long as you can remember the things that are important to you."

"_Oh my god! Man down, man down!"_

"_Mustang's lost his marbles!"_

"_Shoot him, Hawkeye! Take him out!"_

"Like holidays," Sloth continued, hoping to get a hint across, "anniversaries, _birthdays_, that kind of thing,"

A bullet zipped through the open window, across the room, through the open door, and off into the hallway. This didn't phase the two of them much, but it did get Bradley to check his watch. "Oh, shit, I have to run... I've got a thing I need to get to... if anyone asks, I'm in a meeting."

"_Foolish mortals! Bow before Fuhrer Roy!"_

"Right, right, I know the drill."

"Thanks, Julie, you're a doll."

Sloth smiled insincerely as the door closed, gave him a half-hour head start, grabbed her purse and left.

-------------------------

The little townhouse the Sins rented from an unscrupulous landlord was dark, with the shutters drawn, except for the top window, where she spotted Wrath staring gloomily out at the street, but he disappeared when he saw her. This was hardly an unusual home decoration for Angst Day.

Not the worst birthday ever, the ever-optimistic Sloth reflected, unlocking the door. It could have been much worse. Sigh.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" exclaimed five oddly-happy voices.

Envy switched on the light, revealing himself, Wrath, Bradley, Gluttony, and Lust, all wearing bright party hats, and a room full of balloons. "Surprised?"

"Ah... uh... ah..." sputtered the birthday girl, speechless. Envy grinned, taking this as a yes.

Lust picked up a cake. "I realize this is a cheap Betty Crocker mix that we could have made in twenty minutes because we forgot your birthday, but that's not what happened. We remembered. We ordered this huge custom party cake from the best bakery in town and everything,"

"And some idiot," Bradley glared evilly at Envy, who flipped him off cheerfully, "sent Gluttony to go pick it up. But, the important thing is, we did remember!"

"You guys did all that for me? Gave up your Angst Day and everything?"

"Of course, mommy!" beamed Wrath, latching onto her leg happily. "We angst all the time, but we only get one birthday for you!"

"Daw, that's so sweet of you," his "mommy" laughed, turning seriously over to Lust. "All right, Lulu, fork over the cake and nobody gets hurt."

-----------------------------------

A/N: well, one of these days I'm bound to learn how to end short stories... until then, ignore the abrupt, not-really-endings and review!


	4. Congratulations, You're a Military Dog

A/N: Sloth is only a supporting character in the following story, but I wanted to throw this in anyway. Also, as you may have noticed, these are completely unconnected stories. Some will take place in alternative universes (Greed comes back to life a couple of times because I love him), some earlier than the stories before them, etc.(This one, for example, takes place at the very beginning of the series, maybe even before.)

_Roy: (hic) I've (hic) got the (hic) hiccups (hic hic). Someone (hic) scare me._

_Riza: (points to Bradley) That man is the sole commander of the most powerful martial force in the world, and he can't remember his own phone number._

_Roy: (hic) That's not (hic) what I (hic) meant. _

Story 4: Congratulations, You're a Dog of the Military

"Ok, the important thing to remember is that the only reason people sign up for the Military is that they get a paycheck, a gun, and a license to kill," Fuhrer Bradley whispered under his breath to his secretary-in-training, glancing nervously around the hallway as though he expected a bevy of rabid weasels to jump out of one of the doors. "So that tells you the kind of nuts we have to deal with. Your best bet is not to make any sudden movements."

Sloth laughed softly, writing "watch out for crazies" as a joke on the clipboard she had brought. She was so happy to have this job, and she was determined not to screw it up. She was going to prove to Envy, once and for all, that she was NOT a lazy tramp.

"Seriously, they're insane. Except Hawkeye here," Bradley smiled brightly at the pissed-off blond woman barreling down the hall in the opposite direction. "She's cool."

Saluting quickly, Riza managed a smile, which she quickly dropped in favor of a "someone's gonna die" frown, resuming her power walk.

When the Lieutenant was out of earshot, Bradley dropped his voice again. "No, she's one of the worst of them. Look out for her, because, Riza, she'll cut you. _Just give her a reason,_"

More apprehensive now, Sloth glanced back over her shoulder as they walked, almost bumping into the three men coming her way.

"Hello, sir!" one of them said, saluting in a preoccupied sort of way. "Have you seen Lt. Ha-,"

"She went that way," Bradley interrupted, pointing after Riza. The men went pale and dashed off. "That was... um... Havoc, I think, he's a desperate virgin and easy to push around, Falman, who's the perfect case study of a serial killer, and Roy Mustang, a mentally unstable Ishbalan veteran with suicidal tendencies and the goal of taking over the government and becoming Fuhrer by any means necessary."

This one threw Sloth a little. "Sir, that's treason! You could have him killed,"

Bradley shrugged. "He's harmless, though. Crazy, but harmless. Oh, and I've never had a problem... but I've heard he's the kind of stud crumpet who can't imagine a woman who wouldn't want to conceive a child via him, so keep some mace on you."

"Sounds like my ex-husband," Sloth muttered.

"You were married?"

"Life begins when your husband leaves and the kids think you're dead," the secretary-in-training chirped.

"You're going to fit in around here just fine."


	5. Sloth the Workaholic, Part 1

Sloth the Workaholic Part 1

Wow, this story is old... It was the original Short Story Starring Sloth. (I could use some ideas on how to finish it, if you have any.)

--------------------------

"Why am I always the first person in the office in the morning?" Sloth asked herself as she unlocked the door to her office.

"Yeah, and you're always the last to leave, too," pointed out a lump on one of the couches. "Bit of a workaholic now, aren't we?"

Sloth flipped on the lights, causing the lump to groan and pull a pillow over its head. "'Morning, sir."

"Morning, Sloth," greeted her boss, the ever just-sort-of-there King Fuhrer Bradley.

Sloth winced. "Juliette, sir. Juliette."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what I said."

"Did you spend the night here again?"

"My wife kicked me out of the house."

"Um... sir? You...um, aren't married."

Bradley pondered this new development. "Then you know what I think?... I think I went to the wrong house last night."

Sloth sighed and sat down at her desk. "You were really stoned, weren't you?"

Deciding the time had come to wake up, Bradley rolled off the couch and pointed to his eye patch. "Glaucoma medication. Hey, I'm starving... does the vending machine have Doritios?"

(Hastily tacked on A/N: Never mind, guess he is married... but the existence of a character with no lines whatsoever is not enough to make me cut this scene.)

--------------------------------------------------------

So, Sloth went back to running the country while its supposed 'leader' bought chips for his munchies, which was usually how their day went, but today for some reason, it really bothered her. "I mean, he could at least come up with a better lie for _me_. I know he doesn't have a frickin' glaucoma. And he knows I know!" she complained bitterly to her typewriter.

The unannounced arrival of Roy Mustang didn't improve her mood much. It never did. He burst in, without knocking, as usual. "Yo, Jule. What up?"

"The name's Ms. Douglas, got it?" growled Sloth.

"Whatever. Hey, where's the Fuhrer? I've got a ton of reports I need to give him."

"He's in a meeting right now." (Scene cuts briefly to Bradley, trying to dislodge his Cheetos from the vending machine.) "But you can leave those with me. I'll take care of them."

"Well, make sure he gets them quick, 'k? I need them back ASAP," and without so much as a "thank you", he deposited a jumble of papers on her carefully-organized desk and walked off.

"What's that, Mustang?" Sloth muttered bitterly to herself, pulling a file out of one of her drawers and scribbling on it. "You're happy being a Colonel? Really? Well, I guess I'd better take your name off this promotions list, then."

The phone rang, and, as usual, Sloth answered in her prerecorded-message voice in hopes they would hang up. "Hello. You have reached Military Headquarters. To report a problem, please press One. To-,"

"Hey, sis." Sloth brightened a little. Only one person called her "sis", her adoptive "older brother", trusted friend, and almost-relative.

"Envy!"

"You sound happy to hear from me. You _must_ be having a bad day."

"Yes. Horrible."

"Old Brad giving you a hard time?"

"No... actually, I haven't seen that much of him." (Scene cuts back to Bradley, now begging passers by to buy Cheetos, so as to unjam his own, but no one has change.)

"Well, with him, the less you see, the better. Anyway, have you seen Lust's anti-depressants? Because if we don't find them soon, someone's gonna die."

"Have you looked in the medicine cabinet behind the rubbing alcohol?"

"... no. Hey, thanks a lot."

"No problem. I'll talk to you later."

Sloth reached over to the receiver to hang up, then changed her mind. "Sciesca, since you're down there, could you do me a huge favor and check the fuses? Room 212's been complaining."

"Ok, ma'am... But I'm not Sciesca! Really!" said Sciesca, the little voice who lived in the phone. Sloth rolled her eyes and went back to work.

---------------------------------

All in all, it was quite possibly the worst day Sloth had ever had (excluding the one where she woke up in a burning house and had to scuttle out on half a leg... long story). Even lunch was a nightmare, as she forgot to bring money for take-out and was thus forced to choke down the cafeteria "Chicken" nuggets.

(Several people spotted her and pointed out that they wanted the old meat provider back, and she explained, less and less patiently each time, that if they wanted human fingers in their food, they could find somewhere else to work. This usually shut them up.)

She was just sitting down after her long and tiring lunch break when the phone rang. "Hello, you've reached Military—,"

"Sis, you've got to do something about the brat."

Sloth cradled the phone on her shoulder and reached for another law she was trying to get revised. "Fine, put him on the phone."

"I can't. I don't know where he is."

The papers dropped to the floor. "You LOST Wrath? HOW?"

"... just see if the old coot will give you the afternoon off. We need you back here." And, assuming that there could be no possible problem with an idea he, personally, had come up with, Envy hung up before she could respond.

"Gee, En, I'll see what I can do," She chirped sarcastically into the phone, getting ready to hang up. "Oh, before I forget, Sciesca, did you change that fuse like I asked?"

"Yes, ma'am," said the phone.

"Thanks. You're a lifesaver."

"Oh, you're welcome! Guess I'll see you tomorrow, then."

Sloth groaned. "Don't remind me. I never want to see another budget report as long as I live."

"Are you technically... alive?..." Sciesca started to ask, but stopped herself just in time. "Oh, you're just tired. Go home, find your kid, and get a good night's sleep. You'll feel much better in the morning."

"I suppose," the secretary sighed, completely unconvinced. "Well, I'd better go, Lord only knows what that kid's gotten himself into this time."

----------------------------------------

_One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other..._ Sloth chanted to herself as she walked down the hallway. _Almost home..._

"Thank God! Sloth! Over here!"

Without turning towards the voice, or even turning her head, Sloth stopped dead in her tracks, shrieked, "JULIETTE!" and continued walking.

Had she bothered to look, she would have seen King Bradley with his right arm stuck up to the shoulder in the Vend-o-Matic... just inches from the Cheetos.

Ignoring the pitiful cries behind her, Sloth made it outside, where someone was having an angst session... much to her annoyance. So, she decided to put a stop to it.

Ed was wiping some tears off with his sleeve when an ominous shadow blocked out the sunlight. Trembling, he slowly raised his head...

"FullMetal! What the hell are you bitching about _this_ time?"

Cowering away from the strange, psychotic woman, the boy gulped, "Al... er, my little brother.. He's mad at me... because... Please don't hurt me, lady! I'm an orphan!"

"Oh, yeah?" growled Sloth, clearly not impressed, "I support a family of SIX on a secretary's salary! My boss is an incompetent stoner who can't even remember my name, and I haven't had more than four hours of sleep a night for over a month! Call me when you have a _real_ problem."

Wisely not pointing out that he hadn't called her in the first place, Ed tried to scramble away, but she grabbed him by the collar and started rubbing his nose with the corner of her jacket. "Hold still. You've got dirt on your face." Another second, and he was released, but with orders. "Now, go get some dinner! And I mean a real, full, nutritionally-balanced meal, even if you have to eat the cafeteria food! IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"

Ed sat in stupefied silence as she walked off (muttering something along the lines of "skinny as a rail, poor kid"), wondering vaguely who the person who just assaulted him was, when she turned around suddenly just to yell, _"What would your mother say?"_ and continue on her way.

But, to give Sloth credit, he did stop angsting.

--------------------------------------------------

The house seemed deserted at first, mostly because there was no one in the kitchen and no one answered when she called out. But everybody was still around... somewhere.

Lust was sprawled out on the living room couch, a bottle of Zoloft in one hand and a martini in the other. Sloth wasn't amused.

"What have I told you about mixing meds and alcohol?" she asked. "And why aren't you looking for Wrath?"

"I'm waiting for my special 'cocktail' to kick in."

"And Envy said you were coming to look for him." Gluttony shrugged from a nearby beanbag.

"What if you had come all the way home, and we had already found him? You would have come here for absolutely nothing," pointed out Greed without opening his eyes. (He had been sleeping in an armchair.)

"And then you would have been pissed," came Envy's voice from behind Lust's couch.

Fists clenching and unclenching in annoyance, Sloth surveyed the room. "Is there a carbon monoxide leak in here or something?"

"Oh, calm down," groaned Greed. "It's not like one of us is in mortal danger."

"Hello? Wrath is **_MISSING!_**"

"So?"

"So?" Sloth repeated in exasperated disbelief. "So? So, he could be halfway to Lior by now! He could be locked in a Military Lab, Ed could be _dismembering_ him, Izumi could be _strangling_ him, he could be _lost_, he could be a captive of some religious cult, anything! Greed, I'm really not feeling your definition of 'mortal danger' right now."

"Then you'd better start looking for him," Envy noted, completely unfazed by this outburst.

"_You should have been looking for him hours ago!"_

"We were looking for him hours ago. We couldn't find him." Lust explained, as though talking to a rather slow four-year-old. "So we gave up and called you."

Sloth glared at her for a solid minute, and left without a word.

-----------------------------------------------

Half an hour of searching later, Sloth had given up too. "Wrath! This isn't funny!" she shouted at the boy's bedroom in general, as if in hopes that one of his action figures would tell her where he was, "If you don't get your butt out here RIGHT NOW, I'm gonna make you visit Grandma!"

The little chair next to her twitched with uncertainty. _That's funny. When did he get a chair in here?... oh. Of course._ With a quick, sweeping motion, she removed the various pillows and stuffed animals from the seat to reveal a little face half-embedded in the back. "Not. Funny."

Wrath giggled. "Yes it is." Sloth glared at him. "You wouldn't really make me talk to Grandma, would you?"

"If you aren't out of that chair by the time I count to five, you'll find out."

"But, you hate Granny. Plus, she's, like, demented."

"One."

"Look what I can do!" The WrathChair yelled, doing a little jig.

"Two."

"Angry Mommy came in here about five times looking for me, it was great."

"Three. I mean it, Wrath, I'm missing work for this... Four."

"Fine," muttered the chair, transforming back into a little boy sitting on an inanimate piece of furniture.

-------------------------------------------

Having found Wrath, Sloth could have returned to the office, and indeed, under normal circumstances, she probably would have... But for some reason, today was different.

The others had scattered away from the living room, so she stretched out on the couch formerly claimed by Lust, not even bothering to kick off her "sensible" (ha!) work heels.

"I was sitting there," Lust informed her, settling on the armchair instead with a tub of cake icing.

"You know what we are, Lust?" Sloth sighed, ignoring this comment, "pathetic."

"You just now realized? No soul, no name, no life..."

"No, not ALL of us. Just us girls. We are so losing the battle of the sexes here. I mean, look at the guys! They all do what they're supposed to. Greed is greedy, Envy is envious, Pride is proud, Wrath is wrathful, Gluttony is... um..."

"Gluttonous?" Lust suggested, digging another fingernail full of frosting out of her tub.

"Is that a word?"

"I think so. Anyway, what were you saying?"

"So... they're all what they're supposed to be, and we're pathetic! I'm Sloth, I have a job, I practically run the country, even, and you're Lust the pure little virgin." Sloth snorted. "We should have traded places. You are really lazy."

"And you're a whore," Lust added, rather attracted to the idea.

"If you weren't all the way over there, I'd hit you," Sloth growled.

"What? We all know. If you spent all that time at the office working like you say you are... well, the country would be in much better shape, hmm?"

"I am doing work!"

"Oh, is that his name?"

Fuming silently, Sloth closed her eyes. "Well, from here on out, I'm living up to my name. Sloth is taking a nap."

"Good luck with that," Lust rolled her eyes and took her frosting elsewhere.

Sloth tried to sleep... but she realized that she was working out a new tax policy in her head instead of counting sheep, so she opened her eyes. _Hmm... that picture on the wall is crooked... maybe I could just... NO!_ She caught herself just in time. _My, but it isn't easy being lazy... this room is getting really dirty. It wouldn't hurt to dust a little, would it?... Ah! No! Must. Not. Work._

She did manage to fall asleep, twitching from the dreams she was having, involving evil vacuum cleaners, angry Military troops, and little kids with really sticky fingers and muddy boots. "No...off the carpet," she muttered in her sleep as Envy walked by, Lust having informed him of his "little sister's" new ambition.

"Going through withdrawal?" he asked, shaking her awake.

"Shut up."

"I always told you you were a workaholic. You don't even know how to take a nap!"

"... don't you just...sleep?"

Envy grinned. "It's traditional to take your shoes off first."

"Oh... no wonder my feet hurt." Well aware of the greatly amused Envy watching her, Sloth pulled off her shoes. "Hey... this does feel better... God, my feet itch. What? Can't a girl scratch her toes?" she snapped at Envy's puzzled smile.

"Do you know you're missing two toes on your left foot?"

"Yeah, I was created without them. _She_ lost them in a lawnmower accident when she was little."

Envy kept grinning. "So, that makes you a..."

Sloth winced. "Don't say it."

"Makes you a..."

"Don't. Say. It."

"A..."

"Three-Toed Sloth!" cheered Greed, walking through at exactly the right moment. Sloth buried her head in her hands out of disgust for the pun. "Hey, Slothy? Is dinner ready yet?"

"NO! Dinner is not ready yet! Why don't you people learn to cook for yourselves? You're how old? 190? 250? 400? Can't you get your own food by now?"

Greed turned to Envy for the explanation of this outburst from the usually-serene Sloth, but the other Sin just shrugged.

-----------------------------------------------

When Sloth next opened her eyes, she was surrounded by the other Sins.

"Sloth, honey," Lust patted her arm, biting back a mocking grin, "We were a little worried about you, so we,"

"By which she means me," Envy butted in.

"Actually, she means me," Greed added.

"When I say we, I mean all of us," Lust snapped, "called up a doctor, and he says it sounds like you're having an emotional breakdown caused by too much stress, and he recommended that you take a day or two off from working, which includes your job, housework, cooking, and plotting anything to do with souls, alchemy, or the Elric brothers."

Sloth had winced as each banned activity passed Lust's lips. "But... what am I supposed to do?"

"Get really comfy." Envy suggested. "Do you want me to get you a pillow or anything?"

"Yeah, we're going to order some pizza for dinner, what kind of toppings do you want?" Lust asked.

_Hey, everyone's fussing over me..._ Sloth thought. _Nice._ "I'm just going to go to sleep."

Gluttony nodded. "He said she'd be tired," he told Lust as though she didn't know.

"G'night, Mommy!" Wrath warbled, hugging her. "Get well soon!"

"I'll try, baby. Don't forget to brush your teeth."

"I won't." the boy promised.

"And don't stay up too late, ok?" Wrath shook his head. "That's my boy."

------------------------------------------------

A brief interval for those of you who are wondering what happened to King Fuhrer Bradley:

After Sloth abandoned him on her way home, Bradley gave up all hope of being rescued. Fortunately, he had forgotten how popular vending machine food was on Chicken Nugget day.

"Sir, what are you doing?"

"I'm gnawing my arm off," he told the mysterious voice. (He couldn't really see who it belonged to, thanks to his blind spot.) "And I'm not getting very far. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm almost through my shirt sleeve."

"Do you want some help?"

"That would be nice," the indisposed despot admitted. "... Um... who are you?"

"Who am I? Who am_ I_? I am Alex Louis..." Brad winced. Because he had just recognized the voice. _God, anybody but Armstrong..._

-------------------------------------------------


	6. Sloth the Workaholic, Part 2

Sloth the Workaholic Part 2

---------------------------

Sloth didn't wake up until nine o'clock the next day. That's right, she slept in for a whole three hours. Rebel.

It was too early for anyone else to be up, after all, what did they have to wake up for?

Looking for something to do, Sloth turned her gaze to her attaché case... which was just out of reach... _Just a little paperwork can't hurt... I'll just,_ But no. Someone, probably Envy knowing his sense of humor, had emptied her little valise of all things Military, and replaced them with a simple note reading, "The Paperwork Fairy came while you were asleep. Have a nice day!"

The phone rang.

Her eyes still on the prank message, Sloth reached for the receiver, but ended up just knocking it off the table.

The phone rang again.

"Lust! Get the phone!" Greed's room called irritably.

"Yeah, fat chance of _that_. Gluttony! Get the phone!"

The phone rang again.

"Envy! Lust wants you to get the phone!"

"Tell her to get it herself, lazy tramp!"

"What did you just call me?"

The phone rang again.

"Someone gonna get that before Wrath wakes up?" Greed called out again.

"Oh, crap." said everyone else in unison.

And so, Envy got the phone, spent maybe ten seconds listening, and handed it right over to Sloth.

"Here, Sis, it's for you."

"Telemarketer?" Sloth guessed, listlessly picking up the receiver. "Oh, even better..."

"Is someone dying at home, Sl-," Right on time, Bradley stopped himself, "Jessica?"

"Juliette."

"Right, that's what I said... you know it's after nine, right? Wrath didn't set all the clocks back again, did he?"

"No, I know what time it is, I just," Sloth started to explain, but her boss cut her off urgently.

"Sl- Jule, if you guys are being held hostage by a bunch of psychos, just tap the receiver twice, I'll send help... stay calm..."

"No, sir, everything's fine here, I'm just calling in sick today."

"You don't get sick, Jule."

"Then I'm calling in a family emergency."

"You don't have a family."

"Then I'm calling in dead."

"You don't die."

"I'm just not coming to work today, ok?"

"If you're not here in the next twenty minutes, I'll fire you."

"But... but, sir, I can't...!" Sloth sputtered helplessly.

Not pleased with the half of the conversation he was hearing, Envy asked for the phone. "Look, Bradley, you obnoxious little fu... is there someone else on this line?"

"It's just Sciesca." Sloth sighed. "She lives in the basement and stalks me."

"Oh... all right... hi, Sciesca... yes, it's nice to meet you, too...no, she's fine, but she's sick... LIAR? Who are you calling a liar, Brad-boy?"

Shrieking obscenities at the phone, Envy wandered into the next room.

"Oh, really? You and what army?... oh, I'm shaking... tell _who_?...Tell her what?... Daw, is mean ol' Envy picking on you again? Come on, Brad, don't be such a... yes, she's sick! You know Sloth, she,... what's that?... Oh, fine, you know _Juliette_, she wouldn't skip work if she didn't have a reason!"

Sloth closed her eyes with a faint grin.

"...sick, yeah... You do know what that means, right?... she can't _what_? What makes you say that?... No, I'm afraid I don't know what you mean. Sciesca, maybe you could tell me, what's so unbelievable about Ms. Douglas being a little ill once in a while? She's only human, right?" (On the other line, Sciesca almost had a heart attack at being asked such a trick question.) "... see, sir, Sciesca thinks it's plausible... yeah, that's what I thought." Envy hung up and returned to the living room. "You've got the day off."

"Mommy's staying home?" Wrath asked delightedly from the stairs, smiling like Envy had announced that they were going to have Christmas today just for the heck of it.

"Yes. And you had better be quiet, brat, or else," growled Envy threateningly. Sloth felt that this was a bit unnecessary.

"He's fine, En," she said gently, folding the child up in her arms. "Good morning, sweetie."

"Morning, mommy. Do you really get to spend the whole day with me?"

"Yes, dearest. The whole day."

"So... we can finish the story you're reading?"

"Of course. Why don't you run upstairs and grab it for me?"

"Seriously, Slothy," Envy continued after Wrath had dashed loudly up the stairs (eliciting groans from everyone who was trying to sleep). "If he bugs you, tell me. You're relaxing today. I ought to be taking care of you."

"If that's the case, I don't suppose you'd like to get me something for breakfast?" Sloth asked hopefully. "Maybe some pancakes... or, do you know how to make french toast?"

Smiling condescendingly, Envy patted her head. "When I said taking care of you, I meant more in the stuff-that-doesn't-require-a-lot-of-effort way."

"That's what I thought. Would it take a lot of effort for you to leave me alone for a bit?"

This was the wrong thing to say. Envy immediately drew himself up haughtily. "Well, there's gratitude for you. Fine. I'm leaving!"

"Good," Sloth muttered under her breath, staring remorsefully at the kitchen.

------------------------------

Envy came back a little later to remind her that he was shunning her, but, much to his annoyance, she didn't notice.

Wrath, snuggled on the couch next to his 'mommy', looked disturbed as she read the part of "The Princess Bride" wherein Westley dies. "Mommy," he whimpered, "Do the bad guys always win?"

Sloth sighed and stroked his hair. "That'd be nice, Wrath, but it doesn't usually work out that way."

The boy pulled away from her. "What do you mean, 'that'd be nice'? The bad guys aren't supposed to win!"

"Wrath, sweetie, we are the bad guys."

"Oh yeah. All right, keep reading."

Envy coughed, but they didn't look up.

-------------------------------------

When he came in next, Wrath was gone, and Sloth was asleep. It was such an unusual and sweet spectacle that his resolve to shun her melted, and he instead found a sort-of clean blanket sitting around to throw over top of her. "Rest up. I don't want my Sloth out of commission for too long."

"Why do we do that, Envy?" Sloth asked without opening her eyes. Envy jumped a little. He had thought she was sleeping.

"Do what?"

"That _my_ thing. We're very possessive."

"Huh?"

"You know. _Your _Sloth, _my _Wrath, _our _Lust, _her _Glut. That's how we refer to each other. It's very weird. I mean, humans don't do that."

Envy sat down on the sofa's arm thoughtfully. "Humans do, though. It's _our_ mother, _your_ brother, _my_ sister, _his_ wife, _her_ husband. They do it all the time."

"But, that's different. I mean, they don't say _my_ Winry, they say Winry. Why do we do it different?"

"Because humans don't appreciate each other, that's why," Envy said after a moment of contemplation. "You're my Sloth, and I'm your Envy because we have a bond, y'know? Humans, they're too full of themselves to bond with anyone else. They can only turn them into objects and possess them. _My_ mother, _my_ brother, _my_ sister. If you don't use a name, they just become another object. My_ Winry_ implies that there's some relationship there beyond ownership. And even a human wouldn't be so presumptuous as to claim that."

"Hmm," Sloth hummed thoughtfully. "That's not what I would have said. I would have said that we can't form the bonds humans have. But, we want them, so, we have to reassure ourselves that we do have them. A human can just say Winry, because they know that she's still their Winry without saying it. We can't do that. We need proof. He's _my_ Wrath. He's _my_ child. You're _my _brother, you're _my_ Envy. I have to say that, or it might stop being true."

"Sloth, how long have you been lying there thinking about this?" Envy asked.

"Well, it's actually an idea I've had for a long time."

"No wonder you had an emotional breakdown."

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With the revelation that Sloth was not only a workaholic, but a philosopher, Envy and Greed came up with a fool-proof rehabilitation plan. They rounded up every sugary-sweet, feel-good, or no-brain movie they could find, and subjected the unfortunate intellectual to them until she was feeling that the world was a happy, carefree place, full of last-minute solutions, perfect matches, and the occasional car chase (often involving helicopters). Within no time, she was back on her feet, walking back to work in her "sensible" heels, bracing herself for the chaos that no doubt ensued in her absence.

It was with Juliette Douglas's patented, amused-yet-not-surprised smile on her face that she walked past the smoldering remains of a Vend-O-Matic on the parade ground, through the halls that were flickering as though someone in the basement was having fun with the fuse box, and back to her job as the unofficial head of the country, the one sane homunculus, and just generally the duct tape keeping Amestris in one piece.


End file.
